Bits and Pieces
by rekahneko
Summary: These are small bits of Marauder era story that don't really fit in elsewhere. May contain slash, puns, silliness. But not in that order.
1. Chapter 1

**Warnings:** There might be slash some day in this collection of randomness. Speaking of which, this is a collection of randomness. If you hadn't caught that.

**Disclaimer:** Not only do I not own Harry Potter, I don't own Pirates of the Caribbean, Twilight, Lord of the Rings, or even Batman.

**Notes:** This particular piece of amazingly written literature (cough) was inspired by a forward I get on email at least 5 times a year. You might recognize it.

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**Bits and Pieces:**

**Remus Lupin is a Marauder**

**By Rekahneko**

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The older man sat down on the Knight Bus next to a young boy whose head was buried in a book. Nearby were three other boys, fast asleep. They looked slightly older than the one who was reading, perhaps 12 or so. He cleared his throat, but the boy didn't look up from his text. _Probably some sort of action story_, the man mused. _Those ten year olds really get into that sort of adolescent rubbish._

"So, child, this is quite a long ride and it would make things go by much faster if we were to chat on the way to our destination."

The young boy looked up and studied him for a moment before marking his place in the book and closing it.

"What would you like to speak about?" he asked in a careful, solemn voice.

The man chuckled, amused that someone so immature would take himself so seriously. "How about the Arithmancian theory of time dilation?" He smirked condescendingly.

The boy blinked and seemed to consider his words for a moment. "All right, but first I have a question for you."

"Sure thing, kid. What is your question."

"Well, I have noticed that a hippogriff eats grass, and then poops in a sort of puddle." The brown haired child looked at him with large, innocent brown eyes.

The man chuckled to himself, thinking about children and their penchant toward scatological curiosity.

"I have also seen Abraxans eat grass, and they seem to poop in clumps. At the same time, a unicorn will eat grass and poop this kind of pellet like thing."

Still chuckling, the man decided he was amused by the boy's use of the word 'poop.' Only a kid could get away with using such lowbrow terminology. It isn't as if he could expect someone so young to know much though. He nodded encouragingly for the boy to continue.

"Well, I was just wondering if you knew why three different animals could eat the same thing and yet end up with such different results." The boy looked at him gravely, as if searching for an answer to an age-old question.

The man laughed. "I have no idea," he stated.

The boy's face turned from its serious, innocent expression to one a bit more like the man's earlier smirk. "Well how are we going to talk about Arithmancy and the theory of time dilation if you don't know shit?"

The man blinked, confused then stunned.

"Why, I never," he spluttered, and, picking up his satchel, he stalked away, looking for another seat.

One of the previously sleeping boys burst into raucous laughter and Remus turned around, brow raised.

"Oy, Remus! Remind me never to talk down to you," said Sirius, grinning ear to ear.

"He started it, the bloody pedophile," was the muttered response as Remus Lupin opened his Advanced Arithmancy textbook again, finding the chapter entitled, Time Dilation: An overview. Sometimes he got a bit tired of being dismissed as just a child.

"Every once in a while, Moony, it's nice to see you get all tetchy. Reminds again me why you are a perfect Marauder."

Remus peered over his book at his black haired friend, hiding a small smile. "Thanks, Padfoot." He was lucky to have friends who took him seriously, even though he looked so young.


	2. Chapter 2

**Warnings:** There might be slash some day in this collection of randomness. Not yet though.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter or Monster Book of Monsters: Supplementary Volume.

**Notes:** I love bad puns. Then again, there is no such thing as a good pun, so there you are.

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**Bits and Pieces:**

**Sirius Black Loves Chewing Gum and Annoying Moony**

**By Rekahneko**

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Sirius Black and Remus Lupin were sitting in the Gryffindor common room by the fire on a cold Thursday evening. As usual, Remus was busy reading while Sirius was busy doing nothing in particular.

Tonight, Sirius' nothing in particular included chewing a piece of gum as loudly as possible. The constant smacking was irritating Remus who had been trying his best to study for the upcoming Care of Magical Creatures test. He knew very well that if he asked Sirius to stop, the black haired boy would only chew louder, thinking it amusing to test his friend's patience.

"You know, I just came across the most fascinating entry in here," Remus mentioned, pointing to his Monster Book of Monsters: Supplementary Volume.

"Hmm," replied Sirius, paying very little attention to anything but his chewing gum.

"There is an animal in here that's attracted to the scent of mint. It feeds on the leaves of the mint plant or anything mint flavored. No worries though, the creature is only dangerous to wizards if they have a minty scent on them."

Sirius stopped chewing. "Really?"

Remus nodded gravely.

Brows drawn together, Sirius asked, "How common are they?"

"Well, it says here they breed rapidly northern climates. I suppose that means Scotland," Remus added casually.

Sirius pulled the gum out of his mouth. "What are they called?" he asked, looking with worry at the sticky piece of peppermint gum in his hands.

"De-mint-ors," replied Remus evenly.


	3. Chapter 3

**Warnings:** Still no slash. What's wrong with me? Some day though…

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter or Peter's homework assignment.

**Notes:** I always wonder why Peter turned to the dark side. I bet it wasn't for the cookies.

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**Bits and Pieces:**

**Never Ask Sirius for Help**

**By Rekahneko**

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"Moony, I need help with my Care of Magical Creatures assignment." Peter peered up at his most scholarly friend with a hopeful smile.

Remus paused in his mission to collect all his belongings and retire for the evening.

"Isn't it a little late to be working on that," he asked with a frown. "It's due tomorrow morning. What creature did you find to observe?"

"I never actually found a magical creature to watch so I'm just making it up."

"Peter…" Remus gave the pudgy boy a disapproving look.

"It isn't my fault," he whined back. "I was busy."

"Well, I'm not going to help you cheat. Anyhow, I need to get some sleep." Remus finished packing up his schoolwork and headed upstairs.

Peter pouted for a moment before turning his watery blue eyes towards the black haired boy to his left. "Sirius?"

"What makes you think I would ever help you, Wormtail?"

"Pleeeease?"

Sirius sighed, annoyed. "What have you already written?"

"Here's what I have so far: _When dawn broke over the lake, I was ready with my quill and parchment to observe this fierce magical creature. I first noticed it break the surface of the water with a big splash. The hippogriff swam up to me, waving its fins..."_

"But Peter, hippogriffs don't…" Sirius paused for a moment and then smirked. "Sounds like a good start. You should expand on that part. Read me some more."


	4. Chapter 4

**Warnings:** Yeah, still nothing to warn you against other than the occasional bit of bad grammar and poor humor.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter or Chevy Chase (though the man was pretty hot back in the day so I wouldn't have minded so much).

**Notes:** Inspired by an old Chevy Chase movie.

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**Bits and Pieces:**

**Nargle Infestation**

**By Rekahneko**

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"What are you doing here, Lupin? Black?" A hulking Slytherin student suddenly appeared, glowering menacingly (as Slytherin students are wont to do).

Sirius tried to look indifferent about being found skulking around the common room of his rivals while at the same time nudging a nondescript box, hiding it under the couch. Remus, on the other hand, smiled brightly at the Slytherin. "Hello, Goyle. Nice to see you. Dumbledore sent us down to the Slytherin common room to help get rid of the infestation of nargles."

"Nargles?" Goyle looked at the two Gryffindors suspiciously.

"Yes," replied Remus. "Nargles. You remember, from third year Care of Magical Creatures?" Sirius nodded along encouragingly.

"Right," Goyle replied, dubiously. "Nargles. I think I remember those."

"They have apparently infested quite a few places here at Hogwarts. It's a problem since they eat almost anything. Wood, stone, Slytherins…" Sirius tried not to laugh at Remus' serious expression.

"See, if you get up really close to this area right here," the werewolf continued, pointing at a section of wall by the door, "you can see them. Almost."

Goyle leaned in and squinted.

"What am I looking for?" the large boy asked.

"Well, of course you remember from class that they're small, almost invisible, and very fast."

The Slytherin student grunted, furrowing his brow.

"There goes one now," Remus exclaimed.

Goyle leaned in even closer.

"Oh no," the werewolf gasped. "The nargle! It fell into your ear!"

"It's inside my ear?!" Goyle quickly backed up and started poking at his ear frantically.

"You don't want it to nest in there… They multiply by masturbation," added Sirius, helpfully.

"Get it out!" Goyle was frantically hitting himself on the side of his head, possibly in hopes the creature would be forced to fly out of his ear.

"Calm down, we can fix this," Remus said soothingly. "All you have to do to get rid of it is take your wand… there you go. Now point it straight at your ear. You got it so far? Okay, now brace yourself. Repeat after me, Petrificus Totalus."

Goyle faithfully repeated the phrase and then fell over, stunned.

"Merlin! Moony, you are brilliant. Truly amazing."

"15 sickles says he thanks me when he comes to," Remus replied smugly.

Sirius just shook his head in wonder.


	5. Chapter 5

**Warnings:** A bit of Sirius/Remus-ness. Is that a warning or a promise? Hmmm

**Disclaimer:** I own a Slytherin key chain but not the rights to the Harry Potter characters or storyline.

**Notes:** Just a short bit of something because I haven't posted anything in forever and a half. At least.

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**Bits and Pieces:**

**Threatening the Blond Kid**

**By Rekahneko**

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"Padfoot, I think you should just tell Remus how you feel."

Sirius scowled at his godson. "Listen, I don't tell you how to threaten the blond kid."

"Actually…" Harry raised an eyebrow, not realizing how uncanny his resemblance to his father was in that moment.

"A few pointers hardly count," defended Sirius.

"You gave me notes. Pages of them. With diagrams."

"The little git's a cousin," Sirius muttered, looking sulkily down at the table and tracing a line in the grain of wood. "If he's family, he deserves everything he gets."

"What about Tonks? You like her and she's related," Harry responded sensibly, a bit amused at his godfather's sudden bout of embarrassment.

Sirius frowned. "I'm not so sure about her anymore. You can never tell with those metamorphmagus types."

"You're just mad because she started flirting with Professor Lupin, aren't you?" Harry was grinning and Sirius wondered how the conversation had come back to the very topic he most wanted to avoid.


End file.
